How to Cheer Yourself Up When You Feel Stuck
LOL newsletter membership 30
Welcome to the 30th issue of the membership newsletter. You can also join the membership plan to receive weekly long-form articles. Recent content includes:
Food Therapy: A Journey of Culinary Connection
In our last newsletter, we discuss the concept of "toxic positivity," highlighting how constant cheerleading, while potentially beneficial for those with high self-esteem, can be detrimental to individuals with lower self-worth. It's crucial to remember that encouragement, whether helpful or harmful, is ultimately external when it comes from others. It pales in comparison to the power of self-encouragement. While we may have friends who offer words of wisdom, they can't always be there to uplift us precisely when we need them. Therefore, mastering the art of self-pep talk is an essential life skill.
Each of us possesses an "inner critic," an emotionless voice within our minds that judges our actions, feelings, morals, and virtually everything else. It's a psychological habit, constantly evaluating and influencing our subsequent emotions and decisions, whether we like it or not. Sometimes, this inner critic fuels self-deprecation and depletes our energy. Other times, it propels us forward with unwavering determination.
The key lies in how we talk to ourselves. If you can incorporate reasonable self-encouragement into your self-dialogue, this inner critic can be influenced. Self-encouragement may not work immediately; it requires long-term, reasonable use and can suddenly become immensely effective at a certain point. It follows the principle of "gradually, then suddenly," much like fitness.
Let's explore some effective self-encouragement strategies together.
Listen to the Wise Mind
In addition to the "inner critic," there's another voice in our minds called the "wise mind." It represents the part of your identity that wants you to take the best possible care of yourself and hopes your actions and beliefs remain consistent.
The "wise mind" represents a blend of rational and emotional thinking. It cares about your goals and your feelings, providing a more democratic voice. Suppose you need to write a 2000-word article today. The wise heart wouldn't make you stay up all night, nor would it let you procrastinate until the last moment. It might say, "Alright, I won't work overnight because I need energy for work tomorrow. My plan is to write for two hours, then have dinner and relax, come back and write for another two hours, and finally, revise it before work tomorrow." This way, you won't be too exhausted and can still complete the task.
While the "inner critic" is always online, continuously judging, the "wise mind" offers golden advice that's not always easy to hear. You need to listen carefully, maybe take a step back and try to become an observer of the situation.
Spend a few minutes focusing on your breathing, starting with your emotions and physical sensations about the task. Your body often gives you clues: If you imagine the fatigue of staying up late to finish the article, you might realise there's a way to complete it without feeling so tired. Respect these bodily sensations, and you'll gradually understand what the "wise heart" wants to tell you—this is what psychologists call "practising non-judgmental observation of your feelings." It allows you to temporarily shield yourself from the "inner critic" and find reasonable solutions.
Redefine the Problem
You've probably heard of psychological experiments where students are told that test anxiety can improve their performance, and those students indeed perform better than average.
Redefining the problem is a crucial step in self-encouragement. It doesn't mean ignoring pain or suppressing yourself. Students with test anxiety didn't eliminate their anxiety; they simply understood its benefits and improved their performance. Redefining the problem provides an additional perspective, making a painful situation more bearable. Originally, anxious students believed anxiety was bad, and their "inner critic" kept saying that anxiety would worsen their performance, focusing all their attention on overcoming anxiety, which only made it worse.
Let's look at a few more examples. If you fry an egg in a pan that's not hot enough, causing it to stick, and then try to increase the heat, burning the bottom, you might feel bad. Redefining the problem would focus on handling the mistake rather than amplifying the feeling: "Yes, I didn't follow the 'hot pan, cold oil' principle today. Making mistakes is part of learning to cook. It doesn't mean I'm bad at cooking. Next time, I'll use low heat and follow the principle."
If you often worry that being too busy at work makes you miss out on spending time with friends, and straining your relationships, redefine the problem from worry to solution: "How can I balance work and friendship? Maybe we can't go on a trip together, but we can have dinner or coffee on the weekends, or go for a half-day hike or fishing trip."
Jeff Bezos once said in an early interview that if he felt significant stress in his life, causing anxiety, he would look back at his work and life to find something he hadn't done or was avoiding. He saw it as a signal to optimise his workflow. This is exactly what redefining the problem means.
Recognize Your Successes
There's a saying in English, "celebrate small wins." The idea is straightforward but often overlooked. When we achieve success in a large project, it's hard to celebrate because the project isn't complete, and there's still much to do. Our attention naturally focuses on the unfinished tasks.
Celebrating small wins is powerful because it targets the "inner critic." As we mentioned earlier, the "inner critic" is a psychological habit that influences future behaviour and feelings. Celebrating small wins creates positive momentum, seemingly insignificant but accumulative over time.
How can you celebrate small wins? You can write emails. Create a folder in your email where you save all the praise emails you receive. You can also send yourself emails, writing about the important small things you accomplished today. After a few months, you'll find that the folder contains more emails than you imagined. Whenever you feel defeated, open this folder and take a look. When you need to write an annual summary, whether for work or life, open this folder and include these small successes; you won't miss anything, and it will be well-documented.
Create Personal Mantras
Instead of searching for comforting words when you're already under pressure, prepare phrases that calm you down from the start. Many people find solace and even improve their subjective well-being by repeatedly reciting specific phrases.
This is very similar to meditation. In some forms of meditation, people spend a few minutes silently repeating positive wishes to themselves, such as "May I be calm," "May I live comfortably," and "May I be kind and consistent in my actions."
Many people initially find it awkward to repeat these phrases to themselves, but since it's silent, why not give it a try? Trust me, many top athletes practice this daily, and it might take an Olympic cycle to see the effects.
Harness the Power of Visualisation
Sometimes, people find it easier to think in images rather than relying solely on language. When I had COVID and a sore throat, it felt like swallowing razor blades. Telling myself, "My throat will get better soon!" didn't help much. Instead, I imagined a blue mint candy in my throat, which made it feel more comfortable.
Visualization is a powerful tool that relies on the brain's complex cognitive functions and imagination. Studies have shown that mentally rehearsing specific actions can improve athletic performance.
Our inner voices—the "inner critic" and the "wise heart"—are mostly constructed through language. So, using another language (like images) to manage and utilize these voices can be more effective. This is one of the secrets to self-motivation.
Act First, Then Self-Encourage
Sometimes, it's hard to muster the motivation to do something, like starting a workout or tackling a difficult task. Skipping the thinking stage and directly taking action can be more helpful. For example, if you don't feel like working out today, start with a few simple exercises. My research has always focused on motivation, and people often think motivation should precede action. However, the relationship between motivation and action is not one-way; often, action leads to more motivation.
Taking action first is known as "behavioural activation" in psychology. Plan small activities aligned with your goals and start completing these small tasks immediately (even if you have to force yourself). This is the best way to get yourself moving. If you don't feel like working out today, pack your things and head to the gym. Start with familiar, simple exercises and focus on activating your body. Often, once your body is activated, the language of your "inner critic" changes, and you may feel more energised and see things from a different perspective. Taking small, manageable actions can be more effective in helping you self-motivate.
Finally, I want to say that our "inner critic" and "wise heart" are powerful, leading to constantly changing perspectives, feelings, and behaviours. What works for self-encouragement today might not work tomorrow. So, we need to keep practising these small techniques. Over time, you'll find it easier and more natural to motivate yourself. This way, we might truly become a new version of ourselves.
That is the ultimate goal of effective positivity.
A Brief Parting Question:
What are your tricks to encourage yourself?
Feel free to express your thoughts in a message, whether it's answering a departing question or just saying hello.
Thank you for reading, and please feel free to share this newsletter with anyone who might enjoy it.
Have a great day!