最近收到读者来问:交朋友应该找跟自己相近的还是互补的?
感谢您的来信。如果我没理解错,这里说的「交朋友」,指的应该是普通的友谊而不是亲密关系吧?那今天我们就来说说怎么样的友谊历久弥新。
每个人的成长过程里,总有一些友谊穿越时间,给你带来实际的帮助和心灵的抚慰。这里面,共同的经历和兴趣自然是外因,那内因呢?比如双方的性格起到什么样的作用呢?
最近看到一项研究说的正好是这个。科学家对近200对朋友进行了调查,他们的友谊持续时间不同,但都很长,平均时间10年左右。这项研究不仅会问被试自己的性格特质,也会问他们眼里朋友的性格,当然了,也有一些基本信息,比如对友谊的满意度,情感的支持程度以及与朋友相处吃喝玩乐的时间。
然后研究者从「大五人格特质」(开放性、责任心、外向性、宜人性和神经质五个维度)的角度来分析结果。他们发现,自评外向、宜人和情绪更稳定的人倾向于对友谊更满意,与此同时,你也可能更容易和朋友达到情感上相互支持的友谊。
这个发现其实很符合大家的认知,谁没有一个 「E」的朋友呢,对吧。他们往往相处愉快,温暖善良。他们还更活泼,可以在大家一起出去玩时调动大家的情绪。当一个内向的人有个外向的好朋友并且常常一起度过漫长岁月,他们往往会感到自己很重要,也有被充分认可到。
令人意外的发现是以下这些:比如,被认为是外向或内向跟能不能成为好朋友的判断没关系,情绪稳定或情绪不稳定也不是判断成为好朋友的标准。这对「i」人来说,实在是好消息。
更令人惊讶的结果是:朋友之间互相对对方性格的评价,跟友谊的满意度之间也没关系。这意味着,我们对友谊固有的认知和期望其实也没什么大用。也就是说,「我想要认识XXXX样子的朋友」这样的话语,可能在初识时有用,对后来友谊的发展没什么帮助。
在已经建立的友谊里,个性相似度与友谊满意度也无关。这说明,个性像不像,随着时间的推移,在友谊里的重要程度越来越低。一开始,人确实容易跟自己相似的人建立起看起来还不错的友谊。个性特质的一致,可以吸引人们在一起,但当这种纽带建立起来,个性如何真没那么那么重要。
这可能是因为长久的友谊伴随着接纳,无论性格特质是不是相似,接纳后就没那么重要了,更重要的是双方如何一起去度过时间。
当然啦,这并不是说自己随性耍脾气,照样可以找到很好的朋友,毕竟,没有初识时的相谈甚欢,哪里会有以后的地久天长。
至于已经有过很好开始的友谊,真的重要的部分是真诚倾诉的时间,接纳与情感支持,以及合适的边界,而这,是我们需要休息一辈子的功课。它们,同样适用于亲密关系。
希望有回到到你的问题。祝好。
Reader's Letter: Should we seek friends who are similar to us or complementary?
Thank you for your letter. If I understand correctly, you are referring to regular friendships rather than intimate relationships, right? Today, let's talk about friendships that stand the test of time.
In everyone's journey of growth, there are always friendships that transcend time and bring practical help and emotional comfort. In these friendships, shared experiences and interests naturally serve as external factors, but what about internal factors? For example, how do the personalities of both parties play a role?
I recently came across a study that addressed precisely this question. Scientists surveyed nearly 200 pairs of friends with varying durations of friendship, but all of them lasting an average of around 10 years. The study not only asked the participants about their own personality traits but also about their perception of their friends' personalities. They also gathered some basic information, such as satisfaction with the friendship, emotional support levels, and the amount of time spent together engaging in activities.
The researchers then analyzed the results from the perspective of the "Big Five personality traits" (openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism). They found that individuals who rated themselves as more extraverted, agreeable, and emotionally stable tended to be more satisfied with their friendships. At the same time, they may also find it easier to establish emotionally supportive friendships with their friends.
This finding actually aligns with common knowledge. Who doesn't have an "E" friend, right? They are often pleasant to be around, warm, and kind. They are also more lively and can uplift everyone's mood when going out together. When an introverted person has an extroverted best friend and spends long years together, they often feel important and fully recognized.
Surprisingly, the study also found that whether someone is perceived as extraverted or introverted, or emotionally stable or unstable, does not determine whether they can become good friends. This is good news for "I" individuals.
Even more surprisingly, the researchers found that the evaluations of each other's personalities between friends had no relation to satisfaction with the friendship. This means that our inherent understanding and expectations of friendship may not hold much significance. In other words, statements like "I want to meet friends who are like XXXX" may be useful when initially getting to know someone but don't necessarily contribute to the development of the friendship.
In established friendships, the similarity of personalities has no impact on satisfaction with the friendship. This suggests that the importance of personality diminishes over time in friendships. Initially, people tend to form seemingly good friendships with those who are similar to them in personality traits. Consistency in personality traits can attract people to each other, but once that bond is formed, personality traits become less important.
This could be because enduring friendships are accompanied by acceptance, regardless of whether personality traits are similar or not. Once acceptance is established, individual personality traits become less significant, and what matters more is how both parties spend time together.
Of course, this doesn't mean that being spontaneous and temperamental will lead to good friendships. After all, without the initial enjoyable conversations, there won't be lasting connections.
As for friendships that have had a good start, the truly important aspects are genuine conversations, acceptance, emotional support, and appropriate boundaries. These are lessons we need to learn throughout our lives, and they also apply to intimate relationships.
I hope this addresses your question. Kind wishes.
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